Couples therapy is actually trauma work. It may not seem like this on the surface. You meet a person, you fall in love. You feel like you have finally met your person you’re going to build a family with, and spend your life with. Over time, as you take on the monumental task of managing life with two or more beings, each with their own set of vital needs, you find that this person is infuriatingly, and confusingly, blocking the thing you most need from them.

The thing with trauma is that it knows no time. It doesn’t matter if your partner gave you a mean look during your mother’s funeral last week, 10 years ago, or 20 years ago. It doesn’t matter if they had an affair 3 years ago, or 40 years ago. It doesn’t matter if your dad stopped yelling at you when you were 18 years old, and now you’re 47 and get triggered when your partner has a tone in their voice. Until you can make sense of who your partner was and is, these moments will exist as warnings to your nervous system - “don’t relax, don’t come too close, you don’t totally know who this person is”.

In addition to the relational trauma, we also bring in all the subconscious ways we dealt with our families growing up. Our coping strategies when we were young, scary times of being controlled or neglected, they all live inside us still and manifest in the present moment. This can be disconcerting to realize, because we are also healthy, smart, kind, capable adults. While that is true, and it’s also true that the brain’s first and most important task is to make sure we survive. In moments of panic, or confusion, or anger, we are not accessing our intelligence or kindness. We’re subconsciously, reflexively utilizing the coping strategies that were essential to surviving when we were small.

I use Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy, in addition to other skills and training, to help slowly discern what is real, what you’re each feeling, and if your survival patterns are still necessary.